For the past 15 years, I have performed my own dentistry. – LAUGHTER David’s team. – So…
– Give us a big grin. – It could be true. – No, you’re implying I’m a bad
dentist. – No, because even very, very, very
good dentists sometimes get someone else to do their teeth. – Ah, right. – And by “sometimes”, I of course
mean “always”. – How do you do that? Like, do
you…? What do you do?
– Yeah. – Well, no, the, the key to it is
I… I don’t… I don’t do
extractions. I haven’t had to… I haven’t had
a… – Fillings?
– I do fillings.
– Caps? – I do fillings, crown replacements.
I repair bridges, I… Specifically, I don’t do – so don’t
ask, Stacey – I don’t do implants. – Ah.
– And I don’t do root canal. – Do you drill?
– I do have a drill I use, yes. – You have to, to do a filling,
you’ve got to drill it out first haven’t you?
– Exactly, yeah, yeah. – Do you use local anaesthetic?
– No, no need. – STACEY GASPS
– No need?
– No need. – Why, because it’s not true? – The situation in my mouth is I
have one very long piece of teeth. That white bit there, that’s all one
piece, yeah? – What?
– It’s one, one…
– One tooth?
– Well, that… One piece. – But…
– Made to look like many teeth. – Oh, I see, so it… That’s false
teeth. – Yes.
– OK. – Either end of this, I have two
what you call crowns, yeah? Right at the end. At the bottom, I
have my own teeth here, as my dentist says, my bottom ones
are poppadum colour, yeah? And my top ones are pilau rice. – So who said that?
– My dentist. – So this was some time ago?
– No, no, no, I pre… David…
– 15 years. – I do… I perform my own
– Yes. – There’s no exclusivity there.
– You still have a dentist.
– Yes. – But you just don’t… You don’t
let him do all the stuff. – Yes.
– Why is your mouth in such a state? – Because I used to… I used to
have 17 sugars in a cup of coffee or
tea. – VARIOUS GASPS 17?!
– 17, yeah. – 17 in a mug?
– Yes. If I had 18, it’s too sweet for me,
so… – LAUGHTER – So the crowns would come off, I’d
go to the dentist, yeah? He’d charge me 300, 400 quid to put
them back in, and it’s outrageous and I heard this magic word, I heard
him say to his dental nurse, Fuji 9. OK, Fuji 9, and I became aware that
this Fuji 9 – it’s actually a luting cement, which
means you can use it… – Are you sure he wasn’t halfway
through a Japanese football result? – You can actually use it… Mixed
1:1, the liquid and the powder, it’s a cement, yeah?
Mixed two part liquid… – Yeah?
– ..then it becomes more malleable,
for fillings. I found a way via my TV work to get
hold of some Fuji 9. Once you have Fuji 9… – Why couldn’t you use…?
– ..you are a dentist. No, you are! – So what equipment do you have,
then? – All I have is my Fuji 9 with its
little orange spoon, with a bigger end and a littler end. – For the different amounts
depending on whether you want the 50:50 or the 2:1. – That’s Fuji 9! It’s all done for
you. It’s done for you. – APPLAUSE
– It’s magic. It’s magic. It’s
magic. – It’s like, your…
– The cement is softer than your
teeth, yeah? So I have a leather-maker’s drill,
yeah? For… – LAUGHTER – A leather-maker’s drill?
– Yes, a leather-maker’s drill, because that has sanding fitments to
grind it down. You’ve got to check your bite after
you fit. If you’ve fixed a crown, if you get it a bit wonky,
your bite won’t be right. So you have to file the Fuji down
to, “Oh, that bite’s nice, now. That’s
– OK, but you… – That’s true. The other thing
you’ve got to check after doing your
own dentistry is your mental health. – Do you not need one of those
special lights? – Kitchen island. I’ve got a kitchen
island. It’s nice to have a kitchen island,
– Yeah. – And it has a big… It’s the only
place with a big light over it. So my son has a PlayStation seat
that’s very low back, like that, so I put…
– PlayStation seat? – Yeah, it’s a gamer’s seat.
– And I put that on the kitchen… – Island.
– ON the kitchen island? – You put it ON the island?
– Yeah. – So you’re up high on the island. – Yes, because, well, then that then
puts the lamp about there. – So you’re in a PlayStation gamer’s
– Yes. – ..balancing on… What’s the
surface of the kitchen island? – Do you know? I think it’s Corian.
It’s very nice. Corian was originally what was used
for autopsy surfaces, again, so…
– Are you doing your own autopsies
at home as well? “Bob, the dog’s dead!” “Bring it in,
bring it in.” – So if I was to say this, the hardest thing is somewhere to
hold the mirror. – I think the hardest thing is to
sell the story, Bob. – I have the most curved Indian
instrument, called the sumashi, or something, and if I put it next
to me on my gaming thing, the curve of it,
it’s like a flute thing. The curve of it goes there, and I
can put my mirror there like that, got the light there, game
thing, and… – LAUGHTER – Sorry, you… You hang the mirror on the end of a curvaceous Indian
musical instrument? – Yes.
– Well, this is very specific. – So, what’s it going to be? – I mean, there’s a lot of detail.
– Yeah. – If he was trying to make this
story plausible, why would he say, “The way I set up the mirror is that “I tie it to the end of an Indian
musical instrument”? – Sorry, do you remember Bob being
on this show before? – Yes, and it’s always true! It was true about the masks in
Castle Douglas, it was true about him being able to tear an
apple apart with his bare hands. It was true about the game in the
gardens! – Well, look, whether or not it’s
true, and we don’t know yet, don’t try it at home, I should say
that. – Do you ever do extractions, Bob?
– I’ve never done an extraction. – Cos I genuinely had an extraction
yesterday, look. Can you see that there?
– Ooh, they’ve not used Fuji! – APPLAUSE All right, so, what’s it going to
be? – I think it’s true.
– You think it’s what?! – I think it’s true! – So, Bob, is it the truth, or is it
a lie? – It is… ..true! – GASPS, APPLAUSE, CHEERING